Sexy Spam – Vol. 1

I have a Yahoo! mail account I’ve maintained for at least 15 years now. It used to be my primary until Gmail came along, and I really only hold on to it for nostalgia’s sake.

For some reason, I get my most interesting spam there. Since last year, I’ve received a series of flirtatious emails in broken English. They usually come from different accounts with different names. I can no longer keep the joy they bring to myself, so I thought I’d share them with you all, followed by my analysis.

Without further delay, the most recent specimen.


The name of mine is Diane. I’m 25 yo and I fond of having good time with friends of mine. Yeah, it always turns me on going on parties, going to clubs, pubs and places of this kind. It is always fun and interesting with me.
And… I am so sex appeal! I became a winner of the most beautiful chick in class competition two times.
So, if u’re the same lewd man and like me, wanna relax and spend nice time together, then write me right here 🙂
Diane


Let’s start with the introduction:

The name of mine is Diane.

It’s almost like she’s an alien or from some Amazon tribe that’s never had contact with the outside world. The wording is what I’d imagine being used when greeting others from a far away land; that kind of chopped-up English that pops up in B-movies to show a gap in communication between strangers. As if speaking English in a loud, stuttered manner will magically make the other person understand what’s being said.

I’m 25 yo and I fond of having good time with friends of mine. Yeah, it always turns me on going on parties, going to clubs, pubs and places of this kind. It is always fun and interesting with me.

I enjoy the occasional party and pub, but can’t say they’ve ever turned me on. Maybe I’m going to the wrong ones?

And… I am so sex appeal! I became a winner of the most beautiful chick in class competition two times.

Oh! Why didn’t she say this right away? That would have been the killer first line. The hook to keep me reading further. I know the name of her’s, but to know she is “so sex appeal” would have been much better.

And winner of the most beautiful chick in class competition, not once, but twice?! She must have the most adorable outfit.

Diane?

So, if u’re the same lewd man and like me, wanna relax and spend nice time together, then write me right here 🙂

Well, I’ve been accused of many things, but I’ve never been labeled a lewd man (though I am a man, so maybe being lewd comes with the territory). But I wonder, does she know me and is she wondering if I’m the same lewd man? Do I have a past that I don’t know about? Maybe I was so lewd and offensive, my memory’s been wiped via one of those Neuralyzer’s from Men in Black.

If I’ve ever been lewd to you, I apologize.


Hopefully my painful attempts at humor didn’t offend your senses too much, because there is more to come.

-Phillip

0 thoughts on “Sexy Spam – Vol. 1

  1. Snort laughing at 6:18 in the morning – by far the best way to start the day!

    1. Woohoo! I love achieving the snort laugh. 🙂

  2. Hilarious! And I kind of want to hire Diane (if that is, in fact, the name of hers) to handle all of my future business correspondence. I think I could really go places if every e-mail, query, newsletter, etc. could start with “I am so sex appeal!”

    1. Oh yes! There’s no doubt that hiring “Diane” would be the best career move you could ever make…ever. I foresee a bidding war!

  3. Reblogged this on What The Hell and commented:
    From the Missed Connections file…

  4. Had to reblog this, Phillip. Too hy-larious!

    1. I’m honored Kevin! Thank you. Really glad you enjoyed it. Diane is something special.

  5. Oh, dear, please, no more! I get these at work. I think it is a computer program that puts together “sexy” terminology together to hook folks (just like you lewd-man) into their email snares.

    That did make me laugh, though. 😀

    1. Hah! I’m sorry you get these filling up your inbox as well, but am glad to hear I may not have been a “lewd-man” at some point, just another random target. 🙂

  6. Very amusing analyses! I commend your sense of humour towards spam.

    1. Thanks Gabs! I figure, why let spam that gets past the filters frustrate me? Let’s make some lemonade!

  7. Thank you for prompting me to reevaluate my goals in life! I might be too old to garner any most beautiful chick in class competitions, but I can certainly strive to be more sex appeal.

    Maybe I need to spend more time reading my spam. Oh, the inspiration.

    1. Aw Gwen, you could easily win many most beautiful chick in class competitions! No need to be more sex appeal. 🙂

      But we can all use the inspiration and words of wisdom found in these not-so-inconspicuous emails.

  8. U’re too funny. Too bad you so lewd.

  9. You get way more interesting spam than I do. This is hilarious!!! “I am so sex appeal!”–I gotta use that in a story somehow. I can’t help recalling a news story of some guys who programmed a computer to write a romance novel years ago. Maybe this spam is another result of the computer getting its groove on.

    1. Yeah, I used to get the usual boring prescription meds and Nigerian prince material, but then this started showing up. It showed me just how amazing spam could really be!

  10. Those messages are hilarious! You’re spam is much more exciting than mine, Phillip. My spammers are from foreign places asking me for money.

    1. Thanks Jill! I get those occasionally, but it looks like I made a new list. 🙂

  11. Yup, definitely you’re going with the wrong ones. Try the right ones and you’ll find yourself turned on. 😆

    1. Haha. Almost afraid to find out which ones those are. 🙂

      1. Give ’em all a try. 😛

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